Wandering the Windy City

Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Chicago, Illinois, United States
This move seemed to be coming for a long time. I fell in love with Chicago one year ago - on a cold and magical trip to visit friends last January. The crisp lines and angles of shiny grey sky scrapers and more, the cobalt blue sky that had ample room to stretch between them; the kind and welcoming faces of the solid stock of midwesterners; the FOOD and the many good souls to share it with all made this city feel like home from the first visit. I started to apply for jobs as soon as I got home, but my timing wasn't quite right with the universe, and there were still things left to do before I could freely move about the cabin. I stuck it out for another ten months before I packed my life up into a shipping container, sent it to Chicago, and took off for Europe for a few months. My adventures there are another story (one that can be read about in another blog), but the time was well spent clearing space for my next chapter. 

I left Phoenix on January 17th - headed into one of the coldest days Chicago had seen this year . For the first week it just felt like another adventure, or another trip to explore a new city. About eight days in, the realization of what I had done settled like a ton of bricks. Suddenly I ached for home - I was more home sick than I had been in the past few years during all of my world travels and adventures. The realization that Phoenix was no longer home - which it has been for most of my life - but especially the last stretch of eight years, was sobering. I was so focused on getting out and spreading my wings I don't think I really thanked it for what it is and what it provided. To be honest, having to move home as my marriage was crumbling in 2008 made Phoenix feel like a prison at times - "home" yes, but a cage that I was slowly being backed into. Understandably this left a bad taste in my mouth and ever since I had been trying to emancipate myself. 

In my last attempt, I moved myself to South America, where I thought I would spend a year teaching English and honing my Spanish . This worked in some ways, but only for five months, when Phoenix lured me back with the promise of a job I couldn't pass up. I don't regret the three years spent building the recreational program at The Phoenician, but most of that time was also spent daydreaming about what my next big step would be. Visiting Chicago was a catalyst - suddenly I had a direction and a path. The last year was really about preparing for this moment. And now I'm here. 

Some moments I am so elated about this fact that I shimmy with joy, while others I feel such a deep ache of loneliness and home sickness that I have to take a few deep breaths. The joy I was anticipating, the ache of sadness not so much. Life is an interesting roller coaster of emotions! The lows are also accompanied by the fear of the unknown - not having a solid job lined up was a risk and one that hasn't been negated as of yet. Lots of interesting possibilities swirling about, but nothing solid to grab hold of. I have found a place, so I'm locked and loaded for at least a year here, job or no ... I'm praying that the universe takes that as I bid of confidence - I am here and I'm staying! I'm jumping in with both feet and the water is cold and deep. Let's hope that the universe keeps their end of the bargain with a way to support my rent! 

All of the uncertainty aside, this city is still magical, and most of the moments of joy come whilst I'm out and about exploring the maze of old brick and shiny new structures. I still feel that this was the right decision, and am keeping the faith that everything will turn out right in the end. I also appreciate Phoenix for what it is so much more now that I'm no longer in that cage. Most of all I miss the warmth and the ease of knowing every corner of that city. Phoenix will always be a place to call home, and I treasure it now more than ever. 

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