Düsseldorfer Doofen

Sunday, December 02, 2012
Düsseldorf, North Rhine-Westphalia, Germany
(If you don't know, 'doofen' is a German colloquialism for stupids)

Dear all,

Christmas market time again . As stated many times before, I always enjoy going to Germany at this time of year to take in a Weihnachtsmarkt (oh alright, and a Bundesliga match). Yes there are now Christmas markets all over Europe, in London even. But these are pale imitations to the authentic splendour you find in Germany. Where wooden huts are set up in the town square, selling all manner of handmade Christmas decorations, toys, clothes and food. Even a jaded cynic like me can feel the spirit of Christmas percolating in the air as I sip mulled wine in the frosty evening whilst choirs singing carols echo in the distance and children skate in the ice rink.

This year I'm in Düsseldorf, the metropolis on the Rhein that is home to 600,000 (including the largest Japanese population – 11,000 – in Germany. Why they have chosen here rather than, say, Frankfurt or Munich is still unsolved mystery to me). Düsseldorf is the capital of the North Rhine-Westphalia state. It is a well-heeled city that boasts Königsallee, Germany's grandest, upscale shopping street . Flagship stores of the top designer labels line up either side of the landscaped canal the runs down the middle. Though presently it is sullied by building and construction works that don’t half piddle the façade of elegant chic

I was staying at the Ibis Hotel right in the Düsseldorf Hauptbahnhof because it was the simplest option. The Ibis chain has had something of a facelift lately; A move away from that horrible orange colour scheme. Bigger, more comfortable beds. A wider selection of channels on the TV, including some obscure ones I watch (Arirang! NHK World!). The downside is that they now charge for Wi-Fi access. And having stumped up €9.00 for the privilege, I find it doesn’t work. I did get a refund, but even so…

One of the reasons for returning to Düsseldorf for the first time in seven years is because Fortuna Düsseldorf were promoted back into Bundesliga 1 and it just so happens they were playing Eintracht Frankfurt, my favourite German team, on Friday night . I purchased a ticket online and collected it at the tourist information office opposite the Hauptbahnhof (which took nearly two hours because of the queue and they required my passport before they would hand me my ticket) and I as off.

The Esprit Arena – named after the clothing chain, Fortuna’s main sponsors. But still an improvement on the previous stadium name, the Multi-functions Arena – is a monolith of a sporting and concert venue (last year’s Eurovision Song Contest was staged here). I went along in my Eintracht scarf, not thinking it would cause any trouble. And it didn’t, but it indirectly proved that my German isn’t as good as I thought.

I was in the queue to get a wurst when the bloke in front of me spots my red and black Eintracht scarf. He jokingly asks how I snuck into the home end, and remarkably I am able to chat and banter with him. I thought my German was really good despite lack of practice, until he asks why I support Eintracht Frankfurt when I’m from Ireland . I answer that it’s because I have been to many Bundesliga matches and Eintracht were the team I’ve seen the most, plus I have friends in Frankfurt. "Huh! Du luscher!" (“You wuss!”) he snorted. It was only later I realised that rather than say “Ich habe Freundin von mir im Frankfurt” (“I have friends in Frankfurt”) I actually said “Ich habe Freundin im Frankfurt” (“I have a girlfriend in Frankfurt”). Effectively, I’m an Eintracht fan because of a Frankfurt girlfriend (obvs not true). Herein endith the lesson that you play fast and loose with German grammatical structures at your pearl.

The game started 10 minutes late due to heavy traffic and when it did kick off, it was in eerie silence as a demonstration against plans to introduce tighter fan controls at matches. The decision would be made on the 12th of December and fans were protesting this by being silent for the first 12 minutes and 12 seconds of the match. From that moment onwards, it was like somebody flicked the switch at the Espirit Arena as 51,000 spectators suddenly sprung to life in one of the most atmospheric games I’ve been to . Unfortunately Fortuna easily won 4-0. A result that was always likely after Eintracht midfielder Karim Matmour was sent off midway through the first half. Two years ago Eintracht were third in the league when they went on a long losing streak that eventually saw them relegated at the end of the season. A similar thing is might be happening now.

There was an Elvis Presley exhibition on down Flingerstrasse in Altstadt (Old Town); Elvis Hier Lebt der King (Here lives the king) features the biggest private collection of Elvis memorabilia outside of the US. It predictably concentrates on The King’s army career as he was stationed in Germany during his tour of duty. It was mildly educational, for instance did you know that Elvis evidently learnt karate from a taekwondo school? There are certificates to prove it.

The walk from Altstadt to the Rheinturm (Rhein Tower) along the banks of the Rhein would probably make for a pleasant stroll on a warm summers evening. Not so much at the start of December it isn’t though. The panoramic views atop the 240m high tower are predictably splendid. I could have stayed here the whole afternoon drinking away, but there are Christmas markets to visit. And gingerbread to get.

The Düsseldorf Weihnachtsmarkt are spread over six sites, all within reasonable walking distance of one another. It feels very festive when it turns dark and the nights get colder. All manner of wares and wonders can be found; from glittering tree decorations to filigree glass creations. From mulled wine and punch to potato cakes and infinite varieties of sausages. But worryingly how there was no sign of Nürnberger Lebkuchen, the traditional Christmas gingerbreads.

I first met Michaela in Berlin at the World Cup six years ago and I’ve stayed in touch with here ever since, despite her being a Manchester United fan. She now lives and works in Düsseldorf so it was a no-brainer to see her on this visit. Michaela assisted in my increasingly fraught search for gingerbread across the differing market locations, but it was all to no avail. Still, we ended up in an Irish pub watching the Bayern Munich against Borussia Dortmund top of the table clash (with an eye on Man United’s scrappy win at Reading) before pigging out at a Thai restaurant. So the evening wasn’t a complete loss.

Nonetheless a lot of people were going to be disappointed if I were to return home gingerbreadless. But thankfully there was still a way. 09:23 Sunday morning, I boarded the Frankfurt-bound Inter City Express to visit Annett. I worked with her at MLIM and though she returned to Germany in 2006, we remained friends. She and her husband Timo met me at the station and we caught up over a very upscale breakfast. Having explained my predicament, Annett and Timo took me to the Frankfurt Weihnachtsmarkt in the shadow of the Rathouse (town hall). I had been here before, and even knew exactly where the Nürnberger Lebkuchen stalls would be. Sure enough it was in the same location as previous and the relief was palpable. I stocked up on gingerbread and could now return home with my head held high.

That’s not to say the fun and games were over. I got on the train for Düsseldorf as it left on time at 15:10. Twenty minutes into the journey it came to a grinding halt at Limburg Süd, about 50km north-west of Frankfurt. There were 'technical problems’ with the train and we were held there for about 40 minutes before being told the train was being taken out of service and we had to get off and take the next train to Köln on another platform. Already I was envisioning missing my 19:10 flight and having to shell out €100+ to board a replacement one.

I got on this second train and commandeered a seat in first class (any port etc.). And so at 17:30, I was unexpectedly back in Köln, a year after my Christmas market visit here. Fifteen minutes later I’m on a tortuously slow commuter train to Düsseldorf. When it finally pulls into Düsseldorf Hauptbahnhof, I have just over an hour until my flight leaves. It was like something out of a bad romantic comedy as I sprint through the station to the hotel, retrieve my luggage, jump into a taxi and go “AIRPORT PLEASE, AND STEP ON IT!!!” (I’ve always wanted to do that, actually). Another dash through the airport and I get to the BA check-in desk. With less than 30 minutes before take-off, they could have easily said I was too late. But mercifully they let me on. Safe.

So there you have it. The lesson to be learnt from this saga is that not even German trains can be trusted to get you somewhere on time. It was a diarrhoea-inducing journey, yet for all that, I was actually vaguely proud of myself for the way my German was holding up. I didn’t understand every word, but I could comprehend enough not to have to resort to English to find out what was happening. I take the philosophical view that if you come out of it alive and no one was hurt, the worst things that happen on holidays always make the best stories. That said, seeing old friends again was the only redeeming feature of an otherwise disastrous trip. Düsseldorf is a nice city, but how can it be a Christmas market if it doesn’t sell proper gingerbread?

Frohe Weihnachten




Cathal

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