An amazing turn of events & turning 50

Saturday, September 08, 2012
Ko Tao, Thailand
It's taken me a while to get around to writing this entry (almost 4 months) .. some pretty heavy stuff preceeded this trip and that's always harder to write about than the happy times. There was more than one reason I was sad at the outset. Some of my friends even advised me not to go as they were worried how I would cope on my own after two gut wrenching losses , totally unrelated but right on top of each other  .
The first goes back to my previous holiday ..the trip to Lombok Indonesia . That ended in spectacular fashion with a passionate, whirlwind holiday romance (is there any other kind? :) So intense in fact that we manged to keep up a long distance relationship thanks to skype and email for 3 and a half long months. I haven't got the words to adequately describe the emotions I went through when he ceased communications with no reason at all. Just one day he was there and the next day he was gone. Probably all the usual feelings associated with loss and grief. Denial, fear, anger, confusion, sadness and ultimately acceptance. Of course I thought he was dead, or dreadfully wounded. How could someone be professing their love one day and be so cruel as to end a relationship without so much as a word the next? Well apparently, one particular Frenchman could because that's exactly what happened. To make matters worse, we had arranged a rendevous half way between France and Australia where we would rekindle both our passion for each other and scuba diving (see previous entry on Gili T) We decided that place would be Koh Tao (a small island off the East coast of Thailand) This would also coincide with my 50th birthday and I couldn't imagine a better way to spend it .
The time between his disappearance and my departure for Thailand.. 4 weeks. But  my ticket was booked...what was I to do?
Then with less than 2 weeks to go before heading off, another event took place which totally eclipsed the loss of my love and would later be seen as a turning point in my life. I lost a very special friend in a skiing accident. He was like a brother to me, my friend, my champion and he too was gone in an instant..no chance to say good-bye.
I've never lost anyone that close to me before. It turned me upside down and inside out. His funeral on the beach, was a memorable ocassion..poignant and beautiful, if you can use that word for such a terrible event. It took place only 3 days before I left alone for Koh Tao and I was completely devastated, an empty shell of the person I'd been a few weeks earlier.
Consequently the first couple of days were very difficult. Lost and lonely in a romantic setting with a heavy heart. I wondered if I had made the right decision in coming. I was quite sure there would be no turnaround for me , no finding of myself or inner peace which normally results from my travels .. but I was wrong.
Call it luck, or divine intervention, but I chose the right dive shop on Koh Tao , and I got the right diving instructor.. the one who would change my life. His vast experience and endless enthusiasm was exactly the right combination to allay my fears and pave the way for me to be able to trust another person or equipment with my life. The sensation of breathing underwater, of being part of that exquisitely beautiful world, of being weightless, was like my best flying dream ..but it was real. Added to those physical sensations was a meditative mind state, one I find so difficult to achieve up here on land. Under the water there is no room for the idle chatter of the mind. I was fully present in each moment and engaged by the fish or coral in front of me...life in slow motion and the peace and serenity which came along with that were sublime. 
So, I passed my open water scuba course and because I was totally free and already hooked , I spent my last 3 days taking the advanced course. Deeper dives, longer dives, one on one teaching lead to me improving with each experience . And so it was coming out of the water after my last dive on Koh Tao, I knew, as surely as I've known anything that I had found my passion.
Perhaps, in the same way as a struggling man, turns to religion following a timely encounter with
a kind priest, I embraced this new source of joy whole heartedly and it did feel somewhat spiritual to me. Not only would it heal my broken heart but prove to be a very timely addition to my life with the imminent departure of my twins from the home nest.
As for my birthday, I spent it alone but not lonely. In fact I was nursing a mild hangover from celebrating the previous night with my fellow open water divers. It was a time to reflect, to be grateful, and to plan . What will I do with my life from here on? I have 20 quality years left (I hope) but God knows it can all be over in an instant as I had recently and so painfully been reminded. It was now of the utmost importance to me that I live the rest of it, however long that is, to the max' , for me and for my friend. Quite suddenly on that quiet reflective day I felt that the birthday present given to me was the pen with which I would write the next and remaining chapters of my life, No matter how crazy they might seem to anyone else..it's going to be my way... the Dinemo Way!
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