There's a lot of thinking and reflecting which can take place during a 30hr journey home and I certainly did my fair share. It wasn't in the least bit arduous. There was so much to make sense of, to rationalise if possible, and to plan for. I felt like I'd been away for much longer than the calender showed so great was the difference inside my head, in my thoughts as well as my demeanour.
When I set out on this adventure I was a woman struggling with an identity crisis
. It was depressing and a little frightening. My main rôles in life, those of mother and dentist were changing too quickly for my liking and seemingly out of my control. These demanding jobs which have consumed the major part of my life for the past 20yrs, which I in my usual style have thrown myself into with 100 percent commitment & passion, had in the case of my kids outgrown me and in my newish job I was feeling unappreciated for the dedicated dentist I am and instead they were trying to mould me into someone who I neither recognised nor admired. I felt lost and a bit empty inside with little enthusiasm for a future without my kids. My confidence and self esteem were being chipped away so it was with ears and tail down that I had set out on my trip.
Looking back, that's what made that first day in Phnom Penh so hard. I was completely at a loss in the big chaotic city, with the clinic being closed and a whole day to put in without the courage to adventure out but lacking the peace to do nothing!
Now I fast forward to my last weekend in Sihanoukville and that person who arrived in Cambodia is gone. As I make friends at the dive shop, strike up conversations with strangers more easily and become comfortable in my solo life, I begin to see that Di, not the Mum or dentist, just the person, is interesting and worthwhile in her own right.
My future is mine to create again. I can follow my dreams and live my passion. It's amazing how my thoughts have focused, my actions slowed, no lists need to be written. My fuse is long, my glass is full, my future well lit.
I'm not scared anymore.
I'm not really sure how this transformation came about. One day, or one person or one step at a time. But one thing I do know is that one should never underestimate the power of associating with other positive people who share your passion and inspire you to follow your dreams.
It's not easy being different. But if I'm happier living in a simple room in Asia, with possessions which can be carried on my back then so be it. It's not what's around you but what's inside you which makes you happy. So, as soon as the twins are settled in Melbourne, or at Uni..it's a one way ticket for me.
It's not always a smooth path , the one which branches off the main road, but if it's my path then I must follow it. Sometimes it's uphill, often it's lonely but that just makes the meeting of the occasional kindred spirit on that path an absolute joy.
After 20 years of the sometimes overwhelming responsibilities of being a single Mum, running a home, being a dentist... I am so ready for freedom.
Finally, freedom at fifty! How's that for alliteration and perhaps the title for a book? The confessions of a recovering control freak/ perfectionist :)
My beautiful twins will be 18 tomorrow. They have just proved to themselves and to me, that I am nolonger required in their lives as a daily care giver... and that's ok. It's time to cut the umbilical cord..it's time for them to stretch those wings and start flapping. Now my job is not to tell them how, but perhaps to lead by example, and my greatest wish for them, is to find their passion and follow it, to enjoy their lives, to see it as a gift.
So, if you're reading this my darling Connor & Erin, here are a few life lessons to take with you..
Practise gratitude.. there are so many things to be thankful for
Acceptance.. most things are outside our control except our own thoughts (the serenity prayer)
Be true to yourself , you're amazing
Do the right thing which is rarely the easy thing.. that way you'll sleep better
Don't compare your inside to other peoples' outsides
Preceeding every disappointment is an unrealistic expectation
Stepping outside your comfort zone is the only way to grow
Don't listen to me.. it's your life
No matter what..I've got your back
xx
Coming home. ps. the aftermath
Wednesday, January 02, 2013
Tathra, New South Wales, Australia
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