Hey Hey and a big G'day to you all

Several years ago I received an email from a friend, it was about the English language and how much of a bugger it really is. I thought it was great but deleted it anyhow. Ever since arriving in China to teach I've been trying to find it. Each time I get asked a straight forward and simple question by a Chinese English Teacher my mind returns to the email that I deleted so long ago. Their English is what we know as 'Text Book English'. This means there IS an explaination for everything and there IS a rule hidden there somewhere.

Sometimes I have to shake my head and simply say...I really have no idea!

Finally the email I deleted long ago has made its way around the globe and has returned to me. I now offer it simply as a minutes giggle in your day.

There is no egg in the eggplant, no ham in the hamburger and neither pine
nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England,
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted. But if we examine its paradoxes we
find that Quicksand takes you down slowly, boxing rings are square and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is
teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth.

If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught. If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what the heck does a humanitarian eat!?

Why do people recite at a play, yet play at a recital? Park on driveways
and drive on parkways.

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a house can
burn up as it burns down and in which you fill in a form by filling it out.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which of course isn't a race at all). That
is why when the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out
they are invisible. And why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts
but when I wind up this story it ends?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If love is
blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is a person
who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car
not called a racist?

Why are wise men and wise guys opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean
opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the
universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint
you will have to touch it to be sure?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented? If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't
people from Holland called "Holes?