After having visited Disneyland Paris at least 20 times in the past year, I have come to realize that the secret to having a good time there is as much about knowing what NOT TO DO as knowing what to do. So, one of the first things I tell people not to do is over schedule themselves and their families. One must reign in one's expectations. You cannot do 20 rides in one day. It is unlikely you will be able to do 10. Even if the park is completely empty, it is HUGE and it takes quite a bit of time to walk from point A to point B, particularly on the Magic Kingdom side. Most people really don't take this into consideration. For example, if you get a Fast Pass for the Buzz Lightyear ride and then think you will just nip on over to the Pirates of the Caribbean while you wait, you may be in for a nasty surprise. These things are quite a distance from each other, and if P.O.C has any line at all, you might not make it. Personally, I consider it a really good day if we can go on 4 rides and see a couple of shows. Once you throw in lunch, that is a very full day...believe me. But it never fails that once people get in the park, they start rushing around with manic expressions and twitching eyes. Don't torture yourself. It is better to do fewer things (and enjoy them) than to try to squeeze in everything and make everyone miserable. But, if you are going to go on fewer rides or attractions, you need to make those rides "count"...meaning that your family leaves the ride having had a good experience. With that in mind, I thought I would share some of the rides that you will probably want to avoid if you have younger kids and want to enjoy your day...or if you want to sleep that night. This comes from my own hard won experience and stupidity, so someone might as well get some benefit from that.
I will split this up into the "sides" of the Park to make it easier for you once you get to the Park.
Walt Disney Studios Side
1) Armageddon: Les Effets Speciaux
OK, one would think that with the word "Armageddon" in the title, any halfway intelligent person would know to avoid this with a young child. What can I say? Sometimes I am an idiot. To my defense, I will say that Disney did not help me on this one. The first thing to throw me off was that Disney labels this ride with a blue dot, which means "Family Adventures". So, "good for the whole family", I naively thought. Second, on their park map, this attraction got one of their little yellow exclamation marks. The legend says that this means that the attraction "may frighten younger guests". But when I benchmarked this, some of the other attractions that got this marking were Snow White, Pinocchio, and Pirates of the Caribbean. Yes, these are a bit scary for the under 3 set, but Seb went on all of them before the age of 2 and was fairly OK. The last excuse I can come up with is that there is an actual warning on this ride that says "Unsuitable for children under the age of 1" They said "1", so I figured 2 1/2 is more than twice as old as 1. I assumed that all would be well. Uh, no. Not so much.
For the record, this ride should be labeled as "Unsuitable for children under the age of 8, pregnant women, those who are claustrophobic, those who are afraid of the dark, and any adult who doesn't want to get wet, cried on or both". So, what happens? The attraction sets up with everyone in a small room watching a video screen with a scene from the movie Armageddon. It would be a little scary for kids who are skittish but both of mine were OK. Then the "director" tells you that you are "actors" for the day, so you must "act scared". Lucas, our 5 year old, found this annoying. Seb, our 2 year old, was a bit freaked out but more in an apprehensive way than in a scared way. Turns out he was smarter than Mom on that count. After you see the movie, then they herd you on to "the set". This is where I realized that this was a big mistake, but couldn't find an easy way out of it at that point. Besides, I thought, they said "not suitable for under 1", how bad can it be. Pretty bad. Apparently this ride is designed to manufacture the special effects of the movie, and it does....right in front of you. There are explosions that shake the ground, alarms, fire shooting up from the floor to the ceiling and "sprinklers" going off after the fact. Seb FREAKED. Even Lucas kind of freaked, and he is usually impervious. Poor little Seb was screaming "too scary, too scary" as he clung to Dad. Julien ended up just covering his eyes. I felt like a total monster, because I hadn't seen that it would be this bad. Luckily, it didn't last for long, and Seb forgot it within minutes of leaving. I, on the other hand, will keep the mental picture for months, if not years, to come. And I got what I so richly deserved because he woke up several times that night with nightmares, and I ended up having to sleep with him. What goes around comes around.
2) Twilight Zone Tower of Terror
I know I must seem like a totally negligent parent, because I would take my kindergartener on a ride with the name "Tower of Terror", but you have to understand Lucas. Yes, he is 5. But he is a fearless 5. He loves ALL roller coasters, which cover the gamete from "Casey Jr.- le Petite Train du Cirque" to "Aerosmith's Rock and Roll Roller Coaster", the latter of which is now his "favorite" ride at Disney. Plus he has never had problem with "drop" rides. In fact, he found the Toy Story "Parachute Drop" a bit boring. So, not only is he tall enough to go on these rides, he is mature enough. But this is part of the problem with the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror. The problem came from the "set up" and not the ride itself.
This ride is your typical "drop" ride. You are taken to a "room" where you sit and put on the requisite seatbelts. It is set up in movie theatre type seating, with roughly 10 people in a "row" that is split one or two ways. This is to say that you can sit next to your child. You can even put your arm around them. I should point out that this ride is designated a "big thrill" on the map, so you are alerted that it is not for very young kids. But the ride has a height restriction (1.02M), which isn't really that tall. It also has nothing in terms of a "frightening young children" sort of warning. But I guess they figure you are smart enough to figure that one out, given the name and all. But for Lucas, if the fear had been the drop, it would have been no problem at all. While, they "drop" you several floors and it really does have the "stomach in the mouth" effect, Lucas barely reacted to it. He told me later that he was still "scared" about what happened during the wait to get on this ride.
So what happens in the wait? Well, while you are waiting, they tell you a story about how a family once disappeared while in the elevator you are about to go on. And, of course, they ended up in "the Twilight Zone" . Then they show a video where it looks like the family is "getting hit by lightening", to quote Lucas. When I explained to him that this was not real lightening and it was just a made up story, he seemed OK with it, but he got really quiet. As I said, this quiet extended to the drop part of the ride itself. So much so that my friend Josephine, who had joined us on this ride, was concerned because Lucas didn't scream or anything during the drop. He was too busy worrying about the lost family. We had lots of discussions about it after the fact, but let this be a warning to those of you with kids who are big for their age. Don't be fooled just because your child meets the height requirement. That being said, I just had a friend take her 5 year old, and he had a great time. So all kids are different.
3) Studio Tram Tour: Behind the Magic
This one pissed me off. I am ready to except the blame of not paying enough attention on both the "Tower of Terror" and "Armageddon" because, as I mentioned, the names should have clued me in to a potential problem. Yes, that was stupid. Yes, I was an idiot. But on the Studio Tram Tour, Disney drops the ball in terms of notification. This one also has a blue dot, meaning "family adventure". It then goes on to say that "guests may get splashed". Ok, this which makes one think of some nice little log flume ride. There are no little exclamation points indicating that it might be frightening. There are no "unsuitable for" warnings. If you have time to read the small explanation, which most of us don't, it says "A fascinating trip into the Studios backlot gets livened up by a visit to an action packed film shoot in Catastrophe Canyon". This might have been a bit of a heads up if I had read it before getting on. But, if you have been to Disney, you know how likely it is that you will be able to read the fine print when you are trying to juggle two kids who are both wanting to be entertained... NOW. So there you are, with all the Toy Story Playland rides clocking waits of 45 minutes or more, and at least another 30 minutes before an appropriate show starts (see Cinemagique below). So, suddenly you see that there is little to no wait for the Studio Tram Tour. You do a quick scan at the map for restrictions or little warning exclamation points. Nope. . So you get on, thinking "it can't be that bad?" Well, think again, my brothers and sisters...at least if you have kids under the age of 6 or so.
This tour starts out gently enough, with driving through memorabilia from a variety of movies, stuff from Star Wars 1, Star Wars 2 etc etc. However, when you get to the "Catastrophe Canyon" part of the ride, it all goes to hell in a hand basket. Before I tell you what happens, I should tell you that the tram you are riding in is open on both sides. It does have "doors" that are high enough to contain your kids, should they try to flee, but you are open to the elements. This is important because it gives you the feeling of being "exposed". Once you get to the "Canyon", you see a tanker sitting on what looks like mountainous terrain. Suddenly, there seems to be some sort of earthquake, which shakes everything, including your car. After this, the tanker and several barrels of "gasoline" explode. If this was not bad enough, you then hear the rumbling sound of water, and what looks like a flood comes tumbling down from the top of the "mountain", directly at you. It ends up going under the car, but it is realistic and you do get wet. So you can imagine Sebastien's reaction to this. As an adult, it was interesting, if a bit jarring. But for a kid, this was extremely scary. (OK, Lucas wasn't scared, but he isn't a good benchmark for this) Seb was shaking, crying and clinging to Dad. So, not a "family" choice unless your entire family is over the age of 8 or so, and no one is particularly skittish...or you are just masochistic.
4) Cinemagique: The Disney map gives you NO real information about what this is. There are no age restrictions, no height restrictions, and no warnings of any kind. It is set in a theatre, where you will ostensibly see a "movie". But once you are inside and watching the film, you hear a cell phone ring. Then a member of the audience walks on to the stage, talking on his phone the whole time. It ends of that this person (who is Martin Short in the film) is transported into the movie. Here he finds a lost love and stumbles his way around in a variety of clips from different movies. So, what's wrong with this? Some of these movies are actually rated "R", and it has captured some extremely scary movie moments. They show Titanic, the Godfather, and a plethora of action films. Hell, it even included a scene from the Exorcist...need I say more? In addition to all this, it is really not that great to begin with, so you won't miss much by skipping it. Disney, this one needs a re-do.
Magic Kingdom Side
5) Pirates of the Caribbean: This ride is also "blue dotted" as a "Family Adventure". It also has one of those little yellow caution exclamation point thingies. This is a weird one because what I think is disturbing about it is NOT necessarily the things that are overt...and are probably more of a problem for slightly older children than the really young ones. For example, Sebastien was OK on this ride, if a little wary. It is a dark ride. There are pirates. At times, it is a bit loud. There are some scary looking skeletons at the end....but nothing any more scary than typical Halloween fare. So, while it is unlikely that Seb would scream to go on it again, it wasn't a trauma either. With Lucas, however, we had other issues. Some of these may stem from the fact that this is an "old" ride and times and sensibilities have changed. For example, the "pirate town" part of the ride shows drunken pirates lolling around. There is a very sexy looking female character being chased by a less than attractive male character. There is a fairly unattractive female character chasing a male character with a frying pan. All of these could provide fertile ground for uncomfortable questions, if you kid has an inquiring mind. But the worst was a scene where it looks like a man is auctioning off women. Yes, it is a sale. So, during the ride, Lucas leans over to me and says "Mom, why is that man selling those women? Can you buy women?". Try fending off that question. I think I blew over it with a "oh, they are just being funny honey...OH LOOK it's a donkey", or something like that. But be aware that there is some serious sexual stereotyping and weirdness associated with this ride. The younger ones won't be savvy enough to notice, but don't underestimate your kindergartener. Enough said.
6) Alice's Curious Labyrinth: During the winter, when there is almost no one at Disneyland, this can be very fun. BUT, when there is a crowd, I would steer clear of this one. This is actually a fairly new learning for me because I had not gone when it was crowded until just recently. This meant that in our previous visits to this attraction, I could keep a clear line of site to my kids. But, on this day I was not so lucky. Before we were even 4 feet into the Labyrinth, there went both my boys....running full tilt into a maze full of people. The good news is that there is only one entrance and one exit. The bad news is that still leaves a lot of space for them to get lost in and , unless you are naturally optimistic or popping Oxycodone, you are going to spend your time chasing after your kids or losing them. Julien found this place to be charming and said that he was quite happy that our kids were the sort to run marathons in a maze. While I can see his point, it didn't do much to reduce my blood pressure after I spent 20 minutes or so looking for them, in something just short of a blind panic. Sebastien has a great talent for finding all the things that you DIDN'T baby proof, and in less than 15 minutes. When we finally rounded them up, which took the combined efforts of 3 adults, I heaved a sigh of relief and vowed never to return on a busy day.
7) Sleeping Beauty's Castle:
For all who have really young kids or easily frightened kids, you should be aware that a Dragon sleeps beneath Sleeping Beauty's castle. And no, that is not symbolism. It is an actual, (be it animatronic) dragon. There is a side entrance to this cave which says La Tanière du Dragon. So that should give you a warning if you go into it from this particular entrance. However, you can also get into the dragon's lair via the gift shop in the castle. If you go this way, there is no notice. OK, it is dark and dank, but you wouldn't necessarily guess "dragon". Be warned that this is a fairly scary dragon, particularly if you make the connection to Maleficent...which Lucas did. I haven't taken Seb here yet, but Lucas was all questions after going. "Who chained Maleficent down in that cave?" and "Why would they do that?" were just a couple. But he ended this line of questioning with "Maybe she is bad because she is mad at them for making her stay in a cave all the time". Points to the 5 year old for getting to the central question. Maybe he should collaborate with Tim Burton on the upcoming revamp of Sleeping Beauty. At any rate, make sure you don't stumble upon this place because you are trying to make a fast escape from the gift shop noose. If your kids are small, you are likely to regret it.
8) Blanche-Neige et les Sept Nains:
This is the Snow White ride. And Disneyland does give it the "exclamation mark". But it is easy to ignore this if you have never been on the ride. There's no height restriction. It is in Fantasyland, right next to the carousel, for god's sake. And it's Snow White, she of "one day my Prince will come" fame. But let's not forget that she is also the Snow White who gets poisoned by a witch and falls into a coma. And it is this element of the story that seems more prevalent on this ride. I mean, more than fifty percent of the ride being taken up with images of the witch. I find it creepy. Sebastien doesn't cry on it but looks a bit shocked when we come out at the end, which is why I have stopped taking him on it. If you have a young child or a sensitive older child, don't do it...no matter how short the line. Yes, the lines are shorter than Peter Pan....but there is a reason.
9) Les Voyages des Pinocchio: This falls into the same creepy category as Snow White. Dark. Scary. With a giant whale that jumps out at you with teeth bared. Who thought this was good for little kids?? Obviously someone who didn't have to deal with the nightmares afterward. This is the sort of thing that makes me wonder about Walt. But I won't go there.
10) Phantom Manor: This also falls into the "family adventure" category. And it rightly has one of the exclamation thingies. But this is a good ride. No, I would venture to say that this is a really good ride...if your kid can handle it. But there are lots of things here that are not for the under 3 set. When you enter the "Manor", everyone in line gets crammed into a room that seems to start sinking. On the walls of said room are paintings that appear normal to begin with but take on creepy or surrealist qualities when the bottom of them are revealed. Once you get to the bottom, a door opens on one side and you wander through a hall with some fairly creepy, and sometimes disturbing, paintings. After this you get into cars that take you through the haunted house. Once in the cars, you encounter some very realistic looking ghosts, a head floating in mid air and some very scary skeletons. But probably the scariest bit comes with some mirror work at the end of the ride. Your car is turned around to face a mirror, where you see not only yourself, but a demon thing on the top of your car. It's a little freaky even for adults. Lucas likes this ride, but his normally fearless first girlfriend, Grace, was disturbed.
Addendum
As one final note, I should add that if you have concerns about a particular ride, you can ask the staff at DLP what they think. You can also ask them if you have the option of bailing out once you are on the attraction. Some are easier to get out of than others. For example, I probably could have gotten us out of the Armageddon thing if I had tried hard enough but in something like the Tram Tour, you are basically SOL. This is something to consider if you are "testing out" a ride. The good news is that most attractions don't last more than 3 to 5 minutes. The bad news is that 3 to 5 minutes can feel like an eternity when your child is frightened and crying.
Oh, and for those who might be concerned that Seb and Lucas might be traumatized by all of the above...not to worry. We did not do all these things on the same day, it was spread out over multiple visits. And, as I mentioned above, Lucas is fearless and often the one pushing for any new experience. I tend to have to reign him in quite a bit. And Sebastien, well, he is a little tank. Plus, he is quite capable of letting me know what he likes and doesn't like. So when we get to Disneyland, he has usually told me what he wants to do, and in no uncertain terms. All that being said, when they DO get scared at something, I pay the price with nightmares the evening following one of these things. So my motivation for sharing all this with other parents is so that you can avoid making unnecessary mistakes. Or at least be a bit more prepared if you choose to take a risk.
Lastly, it should go without saying that all kids are different. The experiences I have with my kids will be different from the ones you have with your kids. For this reason, I have tried to give you the reasons that these rides should give you pause.
Now go, have fun, and let me know if any of you are brave enough to go see the "Moteurs" stunt show. It is the only one we haven't seen!
Disneyland: 10 Attractions to AVOID with pre K's
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