Ever Spent Time In a Turkish (Boat) Prison?

Wednesday, May 02, 2018
Antalya, Antalya, Turkey
Ten points for Gryffindor for anyone who knows the origin of the delicious quote in the title.
So! Today we went on a boat (side note; A motherf*cking boat!) (Adding on that quote is a general rule, if not a law, now). Given that we are in the Turkish Riveria, we wanted to take a gulet (small Turkish boat) around the coves to see the many islands, ruins, and waterfalls that surround Antalya. We mentioned this to our lovely guesthouse owner yesterday, and she called a local tour company that offered us a day trip today at a discount. We didn't press for specifics of the boat's itinerary and details; the guesthouse owner seemed to have it all taken care of. 
I bet you're asking yourself right now: How'd that go?
Well, it started at 9am, when a minivan picked us up at the designated meeting point- the Antalya McDonald's (classy). Our first hint that perhaps this trip might be going sideways was that the van had no seats available for us, or the other two men we were waiting with. The van was already at full capacity, and a brawl nearly broke out when the van driver insisted all children must sit on their parents' laps to make room for us. For the hourlong ride, our view of Turkey's gorgeous coastline was accompanied by the screams of children while they cheerfully kicked us in the shins.
We finally arrived in Kerem, a seaside town where large boats moor. As we walked the marina, I was openly mocking the Disneyfied "pirate ships" that featured massive statues of Jack Sparrow and other "Pirates of the Caribbean" crap. Imagine my surprise when we were directed onto one of those very ships, complete with large statues of pirates in the crow's nest and on the bow. And the ship itself was massive- unlike the twenty-person gulet we'd envisioned, this monstrosity easily held over two hundred sunburned, drunken, sweaty package tourists. This was going to be fun!
As we set sail from the port, I was blissed out staring at the scenery. That is, until the departure music began to play. I shit you not, this boat played the THEME FROM TITANIC. And even weirder, I was the only one freaked out by this. 
WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE BY A TURKISH ICEBERG AND EVERYONE IS TOO BUSY TAKING SELFIES TO NOTICE. SOMEBODY HELP ME
I'm not gonna lie; this boat ride was everything that makes me stabby about travel. Hordes of drunk, fat, selfie-taking people paying more attention to their phones than their surroundings; loud, obnoxious dance music when silence would suffice; overpriced drinks and no water; and when I thought I could take it no longer, they started a for-realz FOAM PARTY. In the daytime. With small children aboard. Luckily I am married to someone who has a vested interest in stifling my homicidal tendencies, and he found us a lovely, quiet spot at the back of the boat where I spent the majority of day dragging my feet in the water and savoring the silence.
We stopped at a sunny little cove for lunch and swimming. Despite the 80-100 degree temperatures we've had in Turkey, the water was actually quite cold. But we still took full advantage of the clear blue water and beautiful day, and enjoyed an hour of swimming in the Turkish Mediterranean. I will clearly state here that the Turkish Mediterranean is stunning. Not even Captain Jack Sparrow could ruin it.
As for the lunch on the boat: To quote two Indian men we'd befriended, the dry pasta and the is-it-meat-or-fish fried thing tasted like "prison food." My interest in knowing how they had become connoisseurs of authentic prison food notwithstanding, I did agree with the overall sentiment.
After a long afternoon of sun, sea, and another round of the "Titanic" theme (for good luck, I assume), we headed back to Kerem for the ride back to Antalya. To the shock of no one but the driver, there were just as many people without seats on the return journey. As the displaced passengers began a long, slow descent into meltdown, the "Antalya McDonald's" people were ordered off the bus, and onto our own private minivan. We arrived back in Antalya in time for a nap and a beer.
For dinner, we found a restaurant in Old Town described as "where locals go to smoke, drink raki (Turkey's licorice liqueur), and get away from tourists." That sounded perfect after today's misadventure. We were seated in a garden amongst the locals and many cats, and were plied with chicken shish, yogurt dips, Turkish breads, local wine, and plates of fruit. When we were offered tea and raki after dinner, we of course could not refuse. Turkish people, without a doubt, are some of the most welcoming, kind people we've ever encountered.
Tomorrow is our final day in Antalya, then it's onwards to Cappadocia!

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