Waistlines Are Overrated

Sunday, October 09, 2011
Ξυλοφάγου, GB.03, Cyprus
I fucking love eating as the rolls around my midriff attest to, and I'm partial to a drinky or two an all as people who've seen me in various stages of inebriation will confirm, usually with a snigger, often with accompanying photos.
Cyprus does food ridiculously well and this is the reason my arse is currently trying to take over the world, so here's your cut out and keep guide to eating and drinking until you can't move in Cyprus.

Halloumi (χαλούμι) - Omg this stuff is awesome and is the main component of my current wobbly bits. Tis a salty cheese which squeaks when you chew it and is conjured from the breast milk of Aphrodite herself. Just when you think it couldn't get anymore incredible, try grilling it. Go on, try it.

Olives - I fucking love olives, I wish they grew on trees. Oh wait...

Souvlaki (σουβλάκι) - Bits of dead pig cooked on skewers then offloaded onto stuff. Stuff like pita bread. You can put shit like salad with it an all. Isn't it amazing how food, like, goes with other food and stuff?

Sheftalia (Σεφταλιά) - These sausage things also make up a large portion of my expanding arse. I don't know what they're made of and nor do I want to know because sometimes, ignorance is bliss. They've definitely got dead stuff in them along with other shit and they're coated in what can only be described as fat. They tend to resemble alien eggs. They taste better than they look and I swear they lace them with crack because I'm totally addicted to them and will continue stuffing them down my throat long after my stomach closed for business.

Beef Stifado - It's beef stew and... erm... yeah. It's beef stew.

Lamb Kleftiko - This is amazing. Basically it's lamb cooked in the oven for, like, ever. Not one to start preparing if you're on the verge of starvation.

Meze (μεζέ) - Where they bring you food until you beg for mercy whilst weeping into the leftovers.

Baklava - Sugar with sugar on top. If you look hard you may find pastry and nuts, but mainly it's just sugar. My teeth hurt just thinking about it.

Keo - A ridiculously gassy beer which causes belching that can be measured on the Richter Scale.

Leon - So called because it tastes like the piss of lions.

Carlsberg - Ok yeah, it's Danish, not Cypriot. But it's brewed here under license, doesn't taste like Leon and won't cause your stomach to swell to four times its regular size like Keo.

Zivania (Ζιβανία) - It's a hard liquor and you sip this shit from a shot glass. Do not be tempted to shoot it. I found this out the hard way because if anyone hands me a drink in a mouthful-sized vessel, I will try and fit it all in my mouth in one go. Zivania will scare the absolute fuck out of your taste buds and will quite possibly melt a small portion of your liver. Can probably be used to strip paint and de-grease engines but I don't know this for a fact, I'm just going off what it does to my internal organs.

Kokinelli - It claims to be a red wine, will kick you in the head and will make no apologies for it. Side effects include rapid loss of basic motor functions, drooling, regret and an inability to remember where you left your brain the following morning.

Yeah nah, I need to get out of this country before my legs won't take my weight any more.
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