As usual, I've spent a lot of time reflecting upon my circumstances, how I feel about it, my general outlook on life, my attributes, etc, etc, all those things that do my head in. I've been thinking about my good and bad qualities and trying to work out who I really am. And I've recently reached a few conclusions about myself:

My Dad's Influence
My Dad died when I was 16 . Exactly 19 years ago today he was taken from us. It was the saddest day of my life. For the short time I knew him, he gave me the gift of loving nature and the outdoors. We watched David Attenborough documentaries together and laughed at Steve Irwin's antics. He also made me the Tom Boy I am today and made me realise there's more interesting things to see in the world than the kitchen and fun things to do than the house work. Because of my Dad, I've spent a lifetime not being a "normal girl" - not wearing make-up, high heels, dresses and meeting my girlfriends for a gossip sesh. I never fully recovered from losing my Dad so early in life but it did give me the realisation that this life we live is not forever and from the moment he left this world I wanted to make the most of my time here. He is the reason one cool adventure is never enough and I strive harder to fit in more and more amazing experiences and can't stop. He caused me to suffer from FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). My biggest lesson my Dad gave me is to always ask questions and never to be afraid to ask, even if you feel stupid . Because this is how we learn. And this gave me my insatiable curiosity - of people, of places, of history, of everything. And my fearless, put-my-hand-up-in-class attitude when it comes to learning as much as I can. I'm really not afraid if people think I'm dumb, because I can't possibly know everything. My Dad also taught me that while I can't be the best at everything, the best I can possibly do is to try my absolute hardest and so I always like to put in 120% into every task and nothing less. Good thing, but also bad, because sometimes I just don't know when to let go and stop trying - to recognise that that was my best and even though it didn't work out, I did my very best and I can stop trying now.

My Mum's Influence
My Mum is the most selfless person I have ever known. She puts her self last to everyone and everyone first. Growing up with this amazing woman as my role model, I now have an unrealistic expectation that all people are raised like this - to put others before themselves and sacrifice their own joy to make others happy. Reality is, most people are not this generous, and actually they can be very very selfish. My Mum's generosity and self sacrifice, as honorable as these qualities are, they come at a price. My Mum failed to teach me how to be assertive and stand up for myself when others take advantage of my inherited giving and trusting nature. I never learnt how to say no. And this means instead of protecting myself from others, I've just rolled over and given in, time and time again, to my detriment. All the years I was bullied at work or my work conditions were not right, instead of teaching me to fight for my rights, I was taught to just accept it because "they're the boss and what ever they say is right". I'm slowly teaching myself that I can actually say "No, that's not right", out loud, to the people I should say it to and stick up for myself. I'm also trying to teach myself to not just accept people's put downs and negative energy - I can actually push these people out of my life and surround myself with good energy. I actually have a choice.

My Own Influence
I don't know where I get it from, but I've always been different to most. A Triangle in a Round Hole kinda person. I've never followed trends, never bought brand names, don't like conforming to what "the cool kids" like or do. I like to work on boats, I love being at sea with no contact, I like to camp out, sleep on the ground, under the stars and I definitely don't host dinner parties! I don't just follow what the news tells me or the greater populous. I like to ask my own questions and come to my own conclusions, using my ability to think for myself. I always back the underdog and support the little people (e.g. local farmers, the local shop owner instead of a mega super store, etc). I am not a lemming!

I have never had a sense of hierarchy - that you need to treat "the boss" differently to others or suck up to them. People are people and I see everyone as equal. When I was in Grade 6, we had a competition between all the primary schools in my state of who had the most aluminium cans to recycle. Our school wasn't very big and I decided that we would have more cans if we also collected cans from our neighbouring high school across the sports oval. So, I convinced a friend to help me, and every lunch hour, we took a garbage bin to the high school and rummaged through their bins and pulled put all their cans they threw away. I had such satisfaction seeing our collection of cans increase and know I was helping the environment, and hopefully winning the competition! I don't even remember asking for permission to do this - I just worked it out as a solution to make something better, and did it. When I was in Grade 8, I decided the RSPCA (animal shelter for homeless animals) needed more help, so I went around my whole school asking for donations. I recorded every cent I collected and who gave me the money, to make it official....but at the end of the week, I got called to the office when the Principl found out what I was doing and got in trouble. Apparently it wasn't legal because you need to register to fundraise and get a permit, etc. I gave the money to the RSPCA anyway and they were grateful, and that's all I cared about. I've never been one to follow the rules because some rules stop practical things from happening. This quality, I don't know where it comes from because my Mum is always telling me to follow the rules.

The Influence of Others
To say I don't care what others think about me would be a lie, but my general feeling is that it shouldn't matter. If someone can't accept me for who I am, completely, then I don't need that person in my life. A true friend, a person who I'm compatible with (because we just don't gel with EVERYONE in the world!) would accept me unconditionally, without wanting me to change. Someone told me recently that I'm "too flirty and I enjoy wrapping the boys around my little finger", and maybe my flirtatious ways are "threatening to my partners and that's why all my relationships have failed, and why I'm single today". My initial response to these comments was insult. I don't bat my eyelashes and wear sexy clothes to get my way. I don't want boys wrapped around my little finger! I definitely talk to boys, but if that's how my friendliness towards everyone I meet is interpreted, it most definitely is not my intention to be a flirt! And to my knowledge, it's never been an issue in my past relationships. My partners have always known I choose to be with them, and we have no trust issues. When I'm with a person, they are the person I'm committed to. I don't get jealous of my partners talking to women, because if I did, that would mean I don't trust them 100% or our relationship. I would never be one of "those" women that stopped my partner from hanging out with his female friends, as I wouldn't want someone telling me who I can or can't hang out with. And if they did, I wouldn't be with them. My personality is to talk to EVERYONE - female, male, transgender, gay, lesbian, married, single, divorced, Muslim, Jew, old, young, whatever country of origin - each and every person I meet has a story to tell, and if they want to share their story with me, I'll listen. If they ask me my story, I'll tell it. But I don't FLIRT - I laugh, smile, listen, hug, make eye contact, give a reassuring arm around the shoulder, a hold of the hand, a cup of tea, a phone call, to EVERYONE. Because I care about PEOPLE. And I hate that people can interpret my gestures as flirtation. It took me several hours to process being called a flirt.....it made me reconsider the way I engage with people and think maybe I AM a flirt?? But then that would mean I have to change who I am because these males think if I, a woman, talks to them, there's some extra agenda?! So, eventually I came to the conclusion, even after hearing these comments, I'm not going to change the way I am because people think my actions of talking to them, laughing with them, punching their shoulder, etc means I'm flirting with them. It either means they don't get enough attention from those in their lives or they are very narrow minded, shallow and have had limited exposure in their lives to different people.

Being ME
I have met people from all over the world, and by just being ME, I've made some special friendships I know will last a lifetime. If people can be so quick to judge and not take the time to learn about my experiences, abilities and qualities, well to all of you, I don't need you in my life judging me and making me feel bad. I am who I am, and those that accept me for all of me will have a loyal friend who will stand the test of time, who puts in 120% of complete effort, care and compassion, because that's how my parents made me.