(it's a song title...much like the Christmas tune "Baby It's Cold Outside," "More Madeira M'Dear-a" attempts to make the act of plying your date with too much alcohol thereby creating a plausible date rape scenario appear somehow cute and romantic. It's weird.)

Anyway.

Yesterday we had brunch in Porto, then took the Metro to the airport for our 1pm flight to the Portuguese island of Madeira. It's just a two hour flight, but Madeira feels a world away. The island is one of the southernmost points in Europe; right now we are just off the west coast of Morocco in Africa!! So unlike Porto's chill, Madeira is resplendent with bright pink camillas, blue sky, sunshine, and a gorgeous view of the Atlantic. I do feel like we've stepped into a time warp, because the locals dress like it's 1962, and the signage on most of the shops appears to be from the same era. Me likey.

We are staying in a small guesthouse in Funchal, the capital of Madeira. After our 5pm arrival, we set out for a stroll along the oceanside promenade to see a beautiful sunset. We enjoyed a glass of wine at a local sidewalk cafe- we are drinking OUTDOORS! It's WARM here!!- then searched out a place in Old Town for dinner. We found a tiny family-run restaurant down an alley called "LC 52 Bar" (I have no idea what it means) and the mama of the place showed us the last table. Now, given that we're oceanside, seafood is obviously amazing here, and it's eel season. I'd wanted to try them, but I mixed up my Portuguese words: I had the word "lampreia" in my head, which means "eels" or "lampreys," but the menu was loudly proclaiming that it is now LIMPETS season, so I ordered those. When they arrived, I was quite confused, given that they looked like a cross between oysters and mussels, served on a sizzling fajitas-like platter, and drenched in butter and garlic. But they looked amazing, so we dived in, and they tasted like exquisite, soft mussels. But we had no idea what we were eating, so we googled "limpets," and it turns out they're sea snails common to Madeira. I can see the similarity to escargot, but limpets are far more delicious. All I can say is that tonight I'm on the hunt for more limpet-fajitas, as I have decided to call them. Mmmmm snails.

Today we awoke to a stunning, sunny, springlike day. I actually wore sandals and a T-shirt for our walking tour of Funchal's Old Town. We started near the oceanfront, and immediately noticed two differences from yesterday: A ginormous cruise ship had docked here overnight, and the sidewalk cafe prices had risen about 300% as a result. Even our little cafe's glass of wine from last night went from one euro to six. (cruise ships RUIN EVERYTHING). Instead of small groups of locals strolling on a Sunday evening, today it was wall-to-wall with thick white people wearing bad shorts and huge cameras. Oh well.

We had thought we were staying in Old Town, but here's the weird thing: It appears Funchal has three Old Towns. Our walking tour, which came from a book circa 2003, sent us through what I now call "Old Old Town." It was described as populated by poor fishermen, quite poverty-stricken, and with plans to someday upgrade and gentrify for tourism. Well, sometime between then and now, someone poured a shit ton of money into making the Old Town look like a Disneyfied version of its former self, and made it sterile and safe for tourism...but sadly have outpriced the poor fishermen and locals, who have since moved to the "New Old Town" (which is poverty-stricken and populated by poor fishermen....rinse, repeat). Where we're staying is (according to me) "Real Old Town," where most locals live and shop. While the Old Old Town is absolutely charming, utterly beautiful, and picturesque, I'm just not sure if it ALWAYS looked that way, or someone has spent a lot of time and money to create the effect. I prefer Real Old Town, with its chapeau-wearing old men carrying walking sticks and 1950s-era ice cream shops. But it has been since our trip to Brittany, France, back in September, when I have been so utterly and totally charmed by a place. I simply love Madeira. It's nicknamed "The Garden Island," and that's an apt title. It's a bit of a lovely cross between Hawaii and Europe, with cheap prices and amazing wine as a bonus. Holy shit, I've found paradise!

While Porto is famous for its port, Madeira is famous for its madeira wine. Both are cask-aged wines, fortified with brandy, but madeira uses a different grape for a slightly different flavor. Given how much we loved port, we interspersed our walking tour with stops at the madeira wineries in town. Madeira definitely had its pluses- no tasting fees, unlike the fivers we were dropping in Port- but also its minuses, mainly that it's just not as silky and smooth as port. We tasted at three different wineries, and sadly nothing was delicious enough to buy. Despite the sweetness of port, it doesn't leave an aftertaste or give you a sugar-rot stomachache. Madeira, to me, has a slightly odd vinegar or acid-like flavor on the end that makes me think it's more suited for cooking than sipping (sorry, Madeira). But we had big plans for a sundowner on our guesthouse terrace later this evening, so we opted for the only logical solution: we stopped at a grocery store and got a bottle of white port instead.

We're not sure what we'll be doing tomorrow, our last full day on both Madeira, and in Portugal. It will probably involve port.