Kuta Beach, Bali, Indonesia
someone entirely different.
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In January of 2019 I knelt, proposed marriage to Elenka and she accepted. It was a hasty decision on my part, just days before our winter trip to the Philippines. So we decided to honeymoon first and marry in the coming spring or summer. Weeks later, at a beachfront restaurant on the Philippine isle of Cebu, we dined with our matrimonial directors Daniel and Sara of Sweden and planned the wedding. Brusno Slovakia, the birthplace of Elenka’s father, would be where we would take our vows. The wedding would take place in May at Lupciansky Castle, just outside Brusno. The reception would be held at a restaurant in the old town square of Banská Bystrica.
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A couple of months earlier, in the fall of 2018 I learned of the passing of my estranged wife Katharine. It had been more than 20 years since we had communicated. There was never a formal divorce.
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Before getting into my trials and tribulations I must first tell a story of Ontario’s Office of the Registrar General (ORG) that goes back to just after the Hungarian Revolution in 1956: I once worked with a fellow whose parents fled Hungary for Canada during the revolution.
Shortly after they arrived in Toronto their son (my workmate) was born. The boy’s non-English speaking parents were told they needed to go the Registrar General’s office so that the birth of their first-born could be properly recorded. The boy would be called László. The clerk at the Registrar General’s office however, told them they should choose a Canadian name, that Leslie or Lester would be more appropriate. The poor parents had difficulty pronouncing the British names though, so the clerk offered a shortened version and spelled it out for them in block letters. ‘Less’ would be the boy’s name. Less, who’s now in retirement, wears the name like a badge of dishonour, referring to himself as More or Less when he relates the story of how his parents were not allowed to name him László.
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In order to apply for a marriage certificate in most jurisdictions you need to prove your marital status. In my case it was a two step process.
I had to produce a legal document showing that I had married, and as well, produce one which showed I no longer was married.
I needed to get a copy of Katharine’s death certificate from ORG — not a difficult process. Upon receipt of the document though, I realized on the very first line that there would be problems. Her name, “Katharine” was misspelt. And her marital status was recorded as being divorced. But not from me, from the man she divorced so she could marry me. My name showed up nowhere on the document.
Katharine’s brother, and next-of-kin had been the information provider for the death certificate. He, along with the doctor-in-charge, the undertaker and the Division Registrar, all signed the death certificate as if God him/herself had first given it the seal of approval. No one it seemed, took the smallest measure of effort to ensure that what they were signing was anything close to true or correct. For example: Would it not have been prudent for at least one of these signatories to check the spelling of her name against what would have been on, say, her driver’s license or Health card? That first step alone would have raised a - we better check all of the information the brother has provided us with - red flag.
None of this was done of course, and in the end the Deputy Registrar General rubber-stamped the certificate of death, making it a legal document.
Without going into monotonous detail these are just some of the documents I needed to provide in order to see change:
A) a copy of our marriage certificate
B) a copy of the divorce registry check - to prove that we weren’t divorced
C) a copy of Katharine’s birth record - she was born in the UK - to show the correct spelling of her given name at birth
D) a copy of our separation agreement - to show the spelling of her name when we separated
E) a copy of her driving record - to show the spelling of her name at the time of her death
F) a copy of her utility bills, income tax statements (that I have no right to obtain)
G) an explanation of why the incorrect information was originally provided
.
It’s quite possible perhaps, that the misspelling issue might be seen as a clerical error ... but not so likely in Slovakia where translations are gone over with a fine tooth comb. Katharine’s marital status and most recent spousal status was another worry altogether; definitely not something that could pass the smell test of any jurisdiction. But, as I was to learn in the months that followed, I may have been able to marry Elenka simply by hiding the truth. A top official in the Office of the Registrar General called me by phone one day and told me there was a “short version” of the death certificate, one which might better serve my purpose. Like a lemming, I bought and paid for this one too. While Katharine’s name was of course still spelt incorrectly, her marital status was recorded simply as ‘divorced’ at her time of death. So, in theory, the short version of the death certificate could be my savior, a document which could lead to a life of wedded bliss with Elenka. Trouble was, the ‘short version’ of the death certificate was little more than a lie, to conceal the wrongness of the ‘long version’.
I considered the wrongness, hidden truths and lies - however you want to paint them - as something that could backfire one day and bite me on the arse. That and the fact that a woman died only to have much of who she once was simply washed away. So I fought for the truth.
In the end, this issue did get resolved, but it took more than a year, plus three inches worth of nonsensical back-and-forth paperwork.
***
It took Elenka and I almost 40 sleepless hours to get to the oasis of Un’s Hotel in chaotic Kuta Beach, Indonesia. A week before we were set to leave on this trip I came up with the bright idea of marrying Elenka in Indonesia. While Indonesia has the highest population of Muslims in the world, they are also open to all forms of religion. My plan was coming to fruition. I wouldn’t tell Elenka; it would be a surprise. Then in the fecking small print, Google lowered the boom — non-religious marriage is forbidden in Indonesia. While I would have been prepared to call upon Pope Francis to officiate, Elenka will have no part of any religion.
Soon, we’re off to Raja Ampat in West Papua, where there’ll be no WiFi. Still not married, but continuing our honeymoons.
Irene
2020-01-19
Quit the story, Jack! I wonder if the family tree for your late ? acquaintance could shed some light! Was thinking of you both recently, happy to see you are continuing on with your exciting lives. Have missed your stories. thanks for thinking of me.
Mary Patterson
2020-01-19
Wherever you get married it will be an unforgettable adventure - just like your travels. Enjoy your honeymoon.
KIKE & EVA
2020-01-19
What a story man...you can wr8more than one book. The only thing that we can say is : CONGRATULATIONS!!! It took us 24 years living together before we decided to get married in 2015. So, welcome to the Club. Selamat hari nika !!!
Daniel
2020-01-19
Great to hear that you made it to Bali on time, hopefully there won't be any more pesky volcanoes messing with your schedule
Daniel
2020-01-19
Hmm, travel ark cut away most of my comment? Anyway... Yes, Indonesia is a ok with many religions, not so much no religion unfortunately. But for sure, if you had gone through with it we would have done what we could to be there with you guys. Enjoy West Papua.
Heather
2020-01-19
What an amazing story of patience, love and standing by your principles. Have a great honeymoon and congrats on a very worthy journey!
Mary Percival
2020-01-19
That's a great story Jack. It shows great perseverance!! Congratulations on your upcoming marriage and I wish you all the best!
Cate
2020-01-19
What a "die heart".......the ultimate challenge to get to the right ending.......a different kind of adventure!! You and Ellen enjoy your honeymoon and worry about the marriage another day......!
Renate
2020-01-19
It is never to late, for saying yes. Enjoy your days in a wonderful place.
Steph Z
2020-01-20
My grandmother's marriage to my hwr second husband happened in that exact same manner. Her first husband died so she could finally marry my grandfather after 3 kids.
Peter
2020-01-20
Interestingly Mandy and I honeymooned before our wedding..... in Papua New Guinea. Happy diving :)
Majka
2020-01-20
Enjoy the honeymoon. The wedding awaits you, somewhere, sometimes.
Vickie Connor
2020-02-22
Yes... It DOES say Vickie Connor. U finally got my social security card and new driver's license with the name Victoria Bandoski Connor. Changing my signature is the hard part! I've had the same one for..well, as long as I could write. Anyway.. I read in awe of your previous (who knew?) marriage blues. Your life is way too interesting for a boring marriage story, so you did not disappoint. Enjoy your prolonged honeymoon.. Love to you both